Parkrun secrets the nearly-professionals didn't want you to know about

Some of us parkrun just for the sheer joy of it, some of us parkrun to help improve our fitness, and some of us parkrun because we’re competitive little beggars and we’d do anything to get the fastest time possible.

If you fall into this third category, you might be interested to read the top 10 parkrun secrets that the nearly-professionals didn’t want you to know about!

I’m not one for elitist hoarding, so I am prepared to share these with you, FREE OF CHARGE – yes, that’s FREE OF CHARGE.

Use these techniques and I give you my 100% guarantee that there will be a large (or small) possibility of major (or minor) improvement (or regression) in your park run times.

Can you afford not to read on?

1)    Grow your hair really long and hairspray it into an aerodynamic cycling helmet shape to cut down on wind resistance.

2)    Vaseline the soles of your trainers to reduce surface friction
.
3)    Carb-load on baked beans. Not only are they full of energy, but you can also botty-burp the turbo-boosters at critical moments.

4)    Botox your face – wrinkles and old, saggy skin do nothing to aid your aerodynamic shape.

5)    Insert springs into the soles of your shoes. These will add at least 20 feet to every stride.

6)    Dangle your favourite snack from the peak of your cap. You will run faster as you maniacally chase it in front of your eyes.

7)    Practice running really fast downhill during the week and then just pretend it’s all downhill when you’re at the parkrun.

8)    Put a ‘You won’t catch me, you slow old chuggers’ sign on your back. You’ll have no choice but to run faster with 100 determined park runners after your blood.

9)    Alternatively, strap sausages to your back, for 100 determined park-running dogs to chase after.

10)  Attach a large elastic band to yourself and the finishing chute. Stretch back to the beginning of the parkrun and hold it tight until the whistle goes. And release…


EDIT: After trying technique number 10, I now have a new 5km parkrun PB of 6.25 seconds...

Whilst these techniques have been tried and tested by me and, perhaps, other nearly-professionals, please note that I am not responsible for any damage, injury, or psychiatric sectioning required after attempting them.


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Playing away – I just can't stop myself - Richmon parkrun 21 April 2012

The Eastbourne parkrun Grand National - 14 April 2012

Eastbourne parkrun 07 April 2012: The satsuma that got squeezed!

A parkrun lesson

How parkruns and bumblebees can lead to half marathon success

Eastbourne parkrun 24 March

Eastbourne parkrun 31 March 2012: How Kathy Bates sabotaged my parkrun