Parkrun secrets the nearly-professionals didn't want you to know about

Some of us parkrun just for the sheer joy of it, some of us parkrun to help improve our fitness, and some of us parkrun because we’re competitive little beggars and we’d do anything to get the fastest time possible.

If you fall into this third category, you might be interested to read the top 10 parkrun secrets that the nearly-professionals didn’t want you to know about!

I’m not one for elitist hoarding, so I am prepared to share these with you, FREE OF CHARGE – yes, that’s FREE OF CHARGE.

Use these techniques and I give you my 100% guarantee that there will be a large (or small) possibility of major (or minor) improvement (or regression) in your park run times.

Can you afford not to read on?

1)    Grow your hair really long and hairspray it into an aerodynamic cycling helmet shape to cut down on wind resistance.

2)    Vaseline the soles of your trainers to reduce surface friction
.
3)    Carb-load on baked beans. Not only are they full of energy, but you can also botty-burp the turbo-boosters at critical moments.

4)    Botox your face – wrinkles and old, saggy skin do nothing to aid your aerodynamic shape.

5)    Insert springs into the soles of your shoes. These will add at least 20 feet to every stride.

6)    Dangle your favourite snack from the peak of your cap. You will run faster as you maniacally chase it in front of your eyes.

7)    Practice running really fast downhill during the week and then just pretend it’s all downhill when you’re at the parkrun.

8)    Put a ‘You won’t catch me, you slow old chuggers’ sign on your back. You’ll have no choice but to run faster with 100 determined park runners after your blood.

9)    Alternatively, strap sausages to your back, for 100 determined park-running dogs to chase after.

10)  Attach a large elastic band to yourself and the finishing chute. Stretch back to the beginning of the parkrun and hold it tight until the whistle goes. And release…


EDIT: After trying technique number 10, I now have a new 5km parkrun PB of 6.25 seconds...

Whilst these techniques have been tried and tested by me and, perhaps, other nearly-professionals, please note that I am not responsible for any damage, injury, or psychiatric sectioning required after attempting them.


Other blogs:
Playing away – I just can't stop myself - Richmon parkrun 21 April 2012

The Eastbourne parkrun Grand National - 14 April 2012

Eastbourne parkrun 07 April 2012: The satsuma that got squeezed!

A parkrun lesson

How parkruns and bumblebees can lead to half marathon success

Eastbourne parkrun 24 March

Eastbourne parkrun 31 March 2012: How Kathy Bates sabotaged my parkrun

PLAYING AWAY – I JUST CAN’T STOP MYSELF – Richmond parkrun 21 April 2012

I had said I was taking three weeks off parkrun blogging, as I couldn’t go to Eastbourne parkrun again until 12 May.

This week, I had an impromptu away fixture and my blogging brain went into a hyperdrive of excitement.

Up in Twickenham to spectate the Virgin London Marathon, I took the opportunity to show Richmond parkrun what I’m all about.

It also meant the return of the wonderful satsuma. Lynda, our good friend and Twickenham resident, was hosting us for the weekend and, resplendent in her orange Berlin Half Marathon top, we set out to conquer the course.

I have run around Richmond Park once before, for a 10k Fix event at the back end of February, so I knew the course outline; where I could run hard and where I could run harder.

It was a cool morning as we strolled the couple of miles along the river from Twickenham to Richmond, only really warming ourselves up with a struggle up the hill at Turner’s view.

The park itself was buzzing with Saturday morning exercisers, be they cyclists, dog walkers, sole runners or park runners and the sun tried desperately to battle the little showers that were trying to force themselves upon us.

I took the opportunity of an emergency wee. Big mistake. Richmond might be a posh place, but the park must have the stinkiest toilets in the whole of the country. I can’t back this claim up with any additional evidence, other than to say I felt utterly nauseous trying to have a pee through what smelled like the stench of month’s old stale urine. Boy, was I grateful for some fresh air. Is there a prize for best and worst parkrun toilets?

Proper runners do proper stretches. Lynda and I indulge in pretend stretching; the art of looking like you are stretching. On this day, we had the beautiful landscape to assist us. See me below, being a plank, on a log, just behind Lynda performing her stump-stand-side-stretch.

We were called into line at 9:00am prompt. There was a little bit of housekeeping and then some applause. Clapping? What for? I couldn’t hear the chap at the front, but apparently Richmond parkrun claps all the first timers running there that day. How delightfully cosmopolitan! I’d never experienced applause of such gay abandon in the provinces. Thankfully, it fell short of any American-style whooping and hollering! Cosmopolitan or not, we’re still British, you know!

The run itself was really good. The sun was shining but not too warm. I thought the path would be quite crowded, but space opened up pretty quickly as we ran down the hill, with an amazing view of the London skyline in the distance – the London Eye was clearly visible, as was that thing that looks like a bullet – I once thought it was called The Avocado, until I was told I had confused my fruit and vegetable buildings.

At the foot of the hill, a few deer contemplated what on earth 300 human beings were doing pummelling their way through trees, when they clearly thought it was a much better idea to spectate and chew the cud. For a moment I wanted to stop, as it looked like a perfect Instagram moment, before realising I was both running and not in possession of an iPhone.

The incline loomed ahead, so I just decided to put my foot down and hurtle up it. I saw my other half, Rich, poised with camera a few metres ahead, so I thought I’d start sprinting. The resulting shot is an example of how not to run! Bent at the waist and over-striding is not a good look, nor is it an efficient way of getting from A to B. Having said that, I blame the photographer for not ensuring the picture was taken with me looking at my best. No careful positioning of the subject, no ‘say cheese’.

Completed the course in 24:01 (Garmin) 24:05 (barcode time), which is some 30 seconds slower than my Eastbourne parkrun PB and about 10 seconds slower than my Eastbourne average. Finishing position of 116.

Lynda, popped round the corner about 5 minutes later, and whilst she hadn’t run to her best form this time, she still had time for a comedy photo opportunity.

What does one do after a parkrun? Some go for coffee, some go for pain au chocolat, some go and deconstruct how Turner may have interpreted the physiological vagaries of the human body in art form, whilst overlooking the River Thames. We, of course, did all three…

Other blogs:

The Eastbourne parkrun Grand National - 14 April 2012

Eastbourne parkrun 07 April 2012: The satsuma that got squeezed!

A parkrun lesson

How parkruns and bumblebees can lead to half marathon success

Eastbourne parkrun 24 March

Eastbourne parkrun 31 March 2012: How Kathy Bates sabotaged my parkrun

New Contributor: Joe 'The Pirate' Ellis 

Name:                                                         Joe Ellis
Home parkrun:                                           Sheffield Hallam, in Endcliffe Park
Date of first parkrun:                                  November 2011
Total Number of parkruns:                         22 - April 2012
Number of other parkrun locations run:     6   -    "        "
Number of times volunteered:                    Once
My parkrun history:                                    'parkrun' barcode A201291

I'm an old git with strong fitness/competative/travelling/addictive/stats genes. Rugby, Triathlon, Concept2 indoor rower, golf, stamps and swimming are now all 2nd to'parkrun'.

 'parkrun' ticks all of my 'boxes' and added more. 

I learned about 'parkrun' from my daughter with whom I share a friendly rivalry. Once is not enough as a volunteer. After finishing I go to the nearest point on the course, not the finish line!, and shout a '2 minute (to go) warning', with a push the remaining distance can be covered in less! My favourite shout is the current minute followed by "Push, Push, Push!"

I immediately took to the regular every week nature of 'parkrun' which I had not known since my rugby days, which is too long ago to mention. I no longer relish the nose to nose challenge and the physical clash which I once embraced, is now plain scary. However, week on week, informal unannounced races happen and I still love it. Win or lose a hand shake at the end is a rugby tradition I still follow at 'parkrun'. Mind you I don't need an opponent to struggle for a p.b., my motto is 'finish with an empty tank'. competitive/addictive

I also get fed up of the sweat box that is the gym, outdoors is so much better. I.M.H.O. nothing beats running as a weight loss activity. However, the swimming/ rowing itch will still need to be scratched. I use swimming as a physio session to ease the pulls and strains of land based pounding. The http://www.concept2.co.uk/ website has a worldwide base with world rankings to be had. Also http://www.nonathlon.org/ is a 9 element format for rowing with age graded scores out of 1,000. My lifetime metres total clicks on, it now has 6 noughts. competitive/addictive/stats/fitness

We have loved travelling to away fixtures, so far, always smaller and more intimate. At Concorde, Sheff our crew of 5 boosted the field to 17 and every last one stayed to applaud no.17 in, Sylvia my best mate appreciated that. We also house/dog sit, the Saturday is always to the nearest 'parkrun'. Our camper van will help us surge into the lower ranks of the 'most events' list. The 2012 Scotland trip will tick off a few Caladonian events on the way to Orkney. travel/addictive

Then there are the 'parkrun' things that makes it special. I am not naturally gregarious but the added ingredient of a run is enough to break the ice. Sharing a few words with like minded, 'do it' people lifts my moral again and again. Oh yeah, its free (typical Yorkshireman - short arms long pockets). Also the debrief detail is awesome. parkrun thingy

Finally -I'm not really a Pirate. Clue - I do do every 'parkrun' in my distinctive blue/white quartered Bristol Rovers FC shirt